(by Flis)

Problem; Foot and Mouth disease,
3 month Quarterly Report, March 2001 to June 2001

Policy: Slaughter
Cost: £2.5 billion and rising*
Losses: around 10 million animals and their young, at a rough guess (our figures for this quarter are a bit debatable)

Effectiveness: Minimal

Projected outcome: might go away sometime, not quite sure when, this is the tail end of the infection. No cases were expected by June 7th (But that's in the next quarterly report and our Public Relations people are working on it day and night.)

Research and Development: What's that! It worked 30 years ago eventually...

Review of policy: None

Return on investment: negative

Public relations: negative

advertising: adverse

Effect on export trade: balance of payments: disastrous

Effect on sister companies - Tourism, Manufacturing, Environment, Health, Leisure: disastrous

Employee morale: high in some self contracting firms owing to the huge amount of money we are paying them, otherwise generally low

Personnel: Well, I sacked all the senior management and renamed the company.

New Logo: should do well.

New management's policy: identical

Expected outcome: resignation of MD and golden handshake, company needs refinancing, talk to banks, (in this case taxpayers in the Autumn, maybe we can con some more money from our subsidiary the National Lottery)
inward investment: Ooops we gave Ireland, France, Holland, and Germany the disease, and they sorted it out, not likely to get help there

Banks can decline; taxpayers can't.


Companies at least have an AGM; we just had ours and don't get another one for 5 years.

The shareholders weren't told the truth, and dont realise how their dividend is going to fall.

But it's too late; there's no such crime as corporate animalslaughter, so Managing director is all right,

(A government so keen on privatisation......but if a managing director of a major company produced such a quarterly report his shareholders would be baying for blood.)

from Flis

* (Independent Sunday July 1)