The gospel according to MAFF (with apologies to Exodus chapter 20 verses 1 to 21):


AND MAFF SPAKE all these words saying, I AM THE LAW, which have brought thee out of the land of England and into the house of bondage.


Thou shalt have no other gods before MAFF.


Thou shalt not broadcast any craven images; for MAFF is a jealous god, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that HATE MAFF, and showing mercy unto the very few of them that love MAFF, and keep these commandments.


Thou shalt not take the name of MAFF thy god in vain: for MAFF will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.


Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work; but the seventh day is the Sabbath of thy god; in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy CATTLE for they shall be DEAD.


Honour thy father and thy mother; that thy days may be long upon the land which MAFF hath registered to thee.


Thou shalt not KILL.


Thou shalt not commit ADULTERY of the truth.


Thou shalt not STEAL.


Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy NEIGHBOURING FARM.


Thou shalt not CULL thy neighbour's house, nor his wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his OX, nor (kick) his ASS, nor any thing that is on thy NEIGHBOURING FARM. But all of these things MAFF shall do.



AND LO, all the people of HOLSWORTHY saw the thunderings, and the lightenings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the FUNERAL PYRE smoking. And when the people saw it, they removed and stood far off. And they said unto Tony, speak thou with us, and we will hear; but let not MAFF speak with us, lest we DIE. And Tony said unto the people, fear not, for MAFF is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye SIN NOT. And the people stood afar off, and Tony drew near unto the THICK DARKNESS where MAFF was.